I picked tonight. I sat and picked for about an hour and a half. Then I cried, because it had been looking so good and I had to go and mess it up again. I mostly pick at my shoulders and occasionally on my face. Tonight I actually picked quite a bit at my face. I’m so embarrassed.
I’ve been picking since I was around 11, and It’s just been bad ever since. I spend hours in the bathroom in front of the mirror picking. It’s so disgusting. I don’t want to do it. I always say that today will be a clean slate and I wont pick but then I always do. I already have enough scars on my arms that I will never have pretty skin like other girls. I’m embarrassed to even be with a guy because of it. :( I’ve been a swimmer all my life, and I now work as a lifeguard, so it’s always exposed, and I always see people staring. A few days ago a guy even asked me if I had cancer. Then he kept pointing it out to his friends and saying “look she has cancer or something” …I wanted to cry.
I hate myself so much because of this. And it makes my mother upset, but she doesn’t understand it so she just yells at me and asks me why I wont just stop. She makes it sound so easy….and I really wish it was, but for some reason it’s not.
I never knew other people suffered from this disorder, and I never knew it was called, Dermatillomania until just recently when I started looking for answers online. It’s good to know I’m not alone. I really need all the support I can get and I want to help others who suffer as well.
I need to stop. I need to figure out why I do this. I’ve been doing it for too long. It needs to end today.